Tuesday, January 26, 2010

TMI Tuesday: Things No One Told Me About Pregnancy...

First of all, I can't believe I am about to do this-to myself, Jason and anyone else who is lucky enough to read this post. BUT, it is MY blog and I want to be able to remember this even if it does suck right now. Now is your chance to turn around if you don't want to read about my personal issues, ha!

People always tell you how miserable pregnancy is, and all of the ugly stuff that happens during those LONG TEN (not nine) months--YES, ten months--most pregnancies last 40 weeks, which in my book equals ten months. I don't know if everyone is like this or if it was just me, but when I heard about all of the ugly nasty stuff that happened to everyone else I thought to myself "not gonna be me". That dark 'line' that goes from your belly button down (if you're lucky, MINE goes up WAY past my belly button, and to top it off--it's crooked), I didn't think I would get it--I said "my skin is too dark to get that" or "you could kick me in the face and I wouldn't bruise, I'm not going to get that thing"--I DID. Hormones don't care how dark or 'unsensitive' your skin is. I actually read that dark skinned women are more likely to get that line--lucky me.

No one ever told me that my feet would grow and STAY half to a whole shoe size bigger. I am now down to one pair of shoes I can wear here in Valdez without my feet freezing off, and those I have to wear without socks. Nasty, I know. Lucky me, poor Jason--that means new shoes, and lots of them, when we get to Maine, YAY :o)

People DID tell me you get heartburn and a lot of it. "Heartburn? Psshhh...I can deal with that". What they didn't tell me was that it isn't 'normal' heartburn that you get when you aren't pregnant. It's EXTREME heartburn. If it was normal heartburn and I just got it more often, I could deal. But it is heartburn that hurts 10 times worse than what it did before I got pregnant. It's heartburn that feels like FIRE crawling up your throat...and then crawling back down. Over and over. All. Day. Long. No matter what I eat. I have heard other women swearing TUMS were their best friends during their pregnancies, but not me. TUMS don't touch my heartburn. In fact, they RUN from my heartburn. I guess I could blame Paislee's hairy daddy for this one, and PRAY that her hair is limited to her head and doesn't cover her whole body like her daddy :o) Even if it does, she will still be a cutie :o)

Another major pregnancy symptom I have heard about is constantly having to pee. What I wasn't told is that your full bladder ISN'T the reason you always 'gotta go'. The REAL reason is because your bladder is being compressed as flat as a pancake by your uterus. So when you 'have to pee right now and can't hold it anymore,' all that comes out is a teaspoon. And when you have to get up 20 times in the middle of the night because your scared your going to pee in the bed...all that comes out guessed it--a teaspoon. And if you DON'T go when you feel the need, well that's another thing no one ever told me about....

If your bladder isn't 100% empty, and you laugh, cough, sneeze or make one wrong move...that teaspoon of pee is going to end up in your pants. It is now a common occurance in our household to hear "ACCCCHHHHOOOOOOO!!!!" and then "D****T!!!" Jason thinks it's funny. I don't.

Something I was looking forward to about pregnancy was being beautiful. I mean, everyone talks about that 'glow' that pregnant women get, and how beautiful it makes them. What they don't tell you is that they are just telling you that to make you feel better because they know you need it. Sorry, but I have only seen a handful of 'beautiful' pregnant women in my life--half of that handful are celebrities, the other half are freaks of nature. That 'glow' that you hear about isn't beauty, it's oil, and an excessive amount--which makes you 'GLOW'. I guess since your hormones are all out of whack, you produce more oil while you are pregnant, making you all 'glowy' or better yet--GREASY. There is one perk to being pregnant in Alaska--it is so dry that my already oily skin has been saved from that part of pregnancy. God help me if I have my second pregnancy on the East Coast.

The last thing that no one told me about pregnancy is 'pregnant face'. No one told me that by the time I deliver this child my nose would be as wide as the state of Texas. Yes I have seen women in their last couple of months who have had the 'fat face syndrome' but I didn't know it was EVERYONE. I thought weight gain was to blame--now that I'm pregnant I'm going to blame water retention. Towards the end of your pregnancy you retain a TON of water--and a couple of liters of that retained water sits in your face and leaves you looking like Big Mama--unless you are one of those that I mentioned above--a freak of nature.

There are a few more things that I could talk about that no one told me about, but even I am not THAT brave to put them up here for the world to see. Plus, I have to leave you girls that haven't been pregnant yet something to write about on your 'what no one told me about pregnancy' post :o) You can say these things won't happen to you over and over, all day, every day until you get pregnant--but I can almost promise that unless you are one of those freaks of nature--they will happen, so don't say I didn't warn ya :o)

I didn't post this to gripe and complain about how horrible pregnancy is because luckily, I have had a VERY easy pregnancy and I feel blessed that I was able to get pregnant at all. I posted it because I actually think that it's quite hilarious, and will be fun to look back at. It will also probably slip my mind and I will forget about all of it the first time I look at my little girl's sweet face--and I have to be able to remember it all so I can warn her when it's her turn--and so I can warn all of you girls that will be going through it in the next couple of years ;o)

XOXO from my pregnant face, pee pee pants and too small shoes,


  1. funny! I was laughing out loud while reading. All of those reasons are reasons I don't want kids yet....thanks for proving my point that I need to wait! haha! It'll all be worth it in less than 2 months! =)

  2. Ashley- oh my gosh! I was laughing the whole time that I read this blog! I believe this goes down as the best blog I have EVER read. I love the part about peeing your pants-oh the joyful things we all get to look forward to!!! Hang in there- love and miss you!!!

  3. Ashley,

    I don't think I ever want kids now:) Hang in there! :)